just feels like you can't do anything right... and like no one respects you. yes even complete strangers, i could come across someone in a store and if i'm having a day like this, well frankly i just don't like you. doesn't matter if i don't know you, I am mad at you right now. thats how i feel....
then a little person comes up and says "mommy, i love you" and i can't help but stop and forget things if even for a moment. of course it is probably because that little person refused to clean up their mess 5 min ago and doesn't want a time out.... but for a moment, they reminded me that I am special and even though they don't show it all the time, they do respect me.
they respect me in a different way than i want them to at times.... but for them it goes deeper, it's a respect of the heart.
i feel as though i yell too much sometimes and i wish i could stop, i want to, but the aggravation gets the best of me. no one is listening, they are running circles around me and i feel as though i could run out the front door and not look back.
then a little person comes up to me with her little lips puckered up like a fish and leans in for a kiss, and i can't help but stop and remember that i could never just run and not look back. there really is so much love surrounding me, surrounding us and it holds us together.
there are days when everything goes perfect, everyone listens, everyone plays so great together, and i feel so much more peaceful and i am able to enjoy the day a whole lot easier. of course every day can not be perfect, i know that. so i try to remember and cherish those good days so that when the bad ones come along i can try to smile a little more.
there are times when i'm so frustrated, when i just want to talk to him and i haven't been able to. for whatever reason... we are running around and busy, he has to take a class or has a meeting or for whatever reason is just busy and can't call. the kids want to see him and tell him things, i want to see him and tell him things.... but we can't. it's hard to let that really soak in... that you just plain can't and there is nothing you can do about it.
but then, in those really bad moments when you just think it couldn't get any harder, more lonely, or more sad.. the computer starts ringing that skype ring, and it's him calling to say hi. and we smile!
as hard as things can get sometimes, as frustrating or as sad... we always have those amazing moments that remind us, it's ok. i try to remember that, like now... as i write this and i hear whining coming from some little peoples beds. i remember not everyday is perfect, and last night those little people fell asleep within 5 minutes of hitting the pillow.
so now I focus...... focus on the amazing memory of last nights perfection.
but then as i listen now...... silence.....they have fallen asleep... and i smile!
~Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love~
Ephesians 4:2
I love ya lady and you just keep being strong. We all have those days... that's why God made kids so darn cute so we don't kill 'em on the days they drive us crazy!! This too shall pass and until it does, you have family and friends that love you... like me <3
ReplyDeleteYou wrote exactly what I feel so many days out of the week. Especially the part about feeling like you yell way too much - I'm right there with ya. This time is hard, without our guys here. It's hard not being able to talk and reach out to them when you want. But keep strong and know you are not alone! This time will make us stronger in the end. I know we've never met, but I totally understand what you are going through - feel free to email to vent if you ever need some online support!
ReplyDeleteYes, I totally have days like that ALL the time and when I do, I hate the world. I kinda feel the boys have become desensitized to my yelling because I do it so much! *sigh* I have so much admiration and respect for what you're doing and how well you're doing it (even if it only appears that way to us on the outside). :) The kisses are getting lower and soon, you'll have Ryan by your side! <3
ReplyDeleteSara that is a great writing; love reading your blogs. That so brought back the memories & heartaches of when the guys were deployed to Cuba and not being able to talk to them when you just needed to hear their voice. I remember going & cutting a xmas tree down just me & Garr (at the time he was 3 lol) and then setting it up & the trunk was crooked and I got so pissed, sad, angry, frustrated, was crying, sobbing and thru the damn thing out the front door. Then ding; the computer sound of him logging into yahoo chat (before skype times haha) and we chatted and I ordered a fake xmas tree (first fake tree i ever had) online and that took care of that for that year's xmas without him. I know how frustrating it is at times and you are so strong to be going thru this yet again & this time with 4 little ones. Last time it was just you & you were newly married. At least they are there to keep you going & keep you company & give you hugs or snuggles at night & tell you they love you!!!!
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